Review: Fifty Shades Of Grey

Ah fuck me.

I know I shouldn't keep deliberating putting myself through shitty movies but Fifty Shades Of Grey was one I was gonna see eventually, I ploughed through all five Twilight films - against my better judgement - and this year alone I checked out two other BDSM styled films with Secretary and The Duke Of Burgundy - two MUCH better movies - so seeing Fifty Shades just made sense in its own horrid, roundabout way. I'll say this for the film, it's not as terrible as I was led to believe...

But by fuck is it boring.

I'll try to describe the plot which is gonna be difficult because there is no fucking plot. So after her roommate gets sick before an interview with young billionaire tycoon Christian Grey, English Lit Major Anastasia Steele goes in her place, by fucking coincidence both end up having the hots for each other but rather than talking and flirting like normal people, Ana retreats into her awkward phase that most people grow out of when they're fucking 12 and Christian stalks her like a goddamn vulture waiting for her to fall down so her can fuck her corpse.

Or something like that.

So after some mild stalking, Christian brings Ana to his penthoue where he reveals that... he is a sadomasochist and wishes to take Ana as his submissive despite the fact that she is a virgin who doesn't even know what a submissive is let alone the finer points of BDSM. So - again unlike normal fucking people - rather than admitting that their lives are too different to coexists, Ana tip-toes around signing a non-disclosure agreement for Christian and Christian acts like a controlling fuck-nugget and the two of them go round in circles for 90 fucking minutes all about whether or not Ana wants to become a submissive and Christian not giving a good fucking reason why he wants this dull bitch .

Oh and they fuck occasionally just to make things even more awkward.

I swear to god, the majority of this film revolves around a piece of fucking paper, real hot and heavy shit right? Christ there's no bloody story, no conflict - no real conflict anyway - no development of character or story or anything, it's so dull, it's empty like it was just trying to make room for the 14 minutes of sex scenes but without any context or care the sex ended up cold and distant and more than a little creepy.

Kinda like my first time.

If the story was empty the characters are fucking null and void, there was little if anything for the supporting cast to do other than sit around thinking about firing their agent, you're a goddamn Oscar Winner Harden and you fucked me over with The Mist, what the fuck are you doing here?

So obviously the entire time is spent with Edward and Bella... I mean Ana and Christian, not that there's much difference, I mean Christian is still an controlling and abusive dickhat who's attempts to come across as brooding and roguish make him look and sound liek a sullen teenager while Ana is still a blank space of nothingness in which to put your dumb, sex-starved, middle-aged ass in while you take a break from fucking the pool boy and ignoring your kids.

In Ana's favour though she doesn't come across as a cunt like Bella, she doesn't have enough of a personality to come across as anything. And I get it, that was the point, Ana's suppose to be this quiet, unassuming, uninteresting girl which is why they went Dakota Johnson instead of someone more well known. But Johnson doesn't fit in right, it doesn't help that Ana is written horribly - I can't tell if she's suppose to be a college graduate or a high school kid with her limited knowledge of anything sexual, like she's never once gone to Urban Dictionary and looked up what a Dutch Rudder or an old kIng clancy is - but Johnson just does not help matters by taking the role so goddamn seriously, hoenstly when she asks 'What are butt-plugs' with complete and utter seriousness you can tell that she just does not see the stupidity of her character being a naive little bitch wound up so tight she's a strong wind away from lady-jizzing herself.

Ironically though that same so-called intensity disappears during the sex scenes.

So what of Christian? Well he's a shitball, I don't even like this guy on a base level, I've seen a lot of movies and seen a lot of terrible people in fact many of my favourite film characters are terrible people. Christian Grey is a terrible person that the film tries so bloody hard to make you believe he's not terrible. Much like I couldn't decide if Ana was in College or High School, I couldn't tell if Christian was an overly intense stalker praying on a naive and silly young woman or if he was genuinally meant to be the main love interest of this film. I've not seen Jaime Dornan in anything else but here he just looks uncomfortable, he doesn't have that self-confidence to pull off Christian's stone-faced and sexually charged attitude, any scene where he has to take charge feel so forced and artificial that it takes away from the scene because of how pathetic it is. But then again even if Dornan could pull of the character, Christian is just a horrible fuck, he stalks Ana, he forces her to follow his rules even when they're not dating yet and more than once he forces himself on her. Oh but she wanted it, no fucking way, no woman in her right mind will fuck a guy they just met because he wants to 'fix' her but taking her virginity. The man is a borderline rapist and apparently that gets bored housewives off, you people make me sick, that's not spontaneous it's fucking weird and creepy.

So at least it's staying true to its source material.

I think the dumbest part of the relationship between Ana and Christian - despite the obvious lack of chemistry - is that neither of them realise that they have other options, Ana's too dull and plain to take on the heavy BDSM lifestyle that Christian wants and Christian is too controlling and too fucked up to ease her into this life even if she was willing. The two of them should've broken up the moment anal-fisting was put on the table, Ana goes home to get herself off on the washing machine and Christian goes on Craigslist to find someone who actually wants the whips and chains and all that jazz.

I will give director Sam Taylor Johnson the benefit of the doubt, this is only her second film so maybe she didn't have the chops to pull off such a big movie plus she had to contend with an overly protective and slightly cunty author who had final control over everything that went into the movie so I'm guessing a lot of the shittier aspects of the film weren't her fault. But still this movie is boring, and for a film so focussed on sex being boring is not a good thing, I didn't expect much from this film but it's not even entertainingly bad, it's just dull as dicks. I honestly believe that the film's biggest problem is that, funnily enough, it's too tame, they made such a big deal about the BDSM nature of this flick and yet I've seen sexier films on the Disney channel, the BDSM is barely touched upon outside some of the cosmetic instruments that a few people may recognise and the wet-fish chemistry between Ana and Christian which jumps between master & servant and stalker & victim just makes it even more of a chore to watch. Don't go for Showgirls style of sexiness but actually try to be a little sexy, the only part of this film that actually felt genuine was a little moment where Ana was cooking pancakes after her first time with Christian and she's dancing in the kitchen and doesn't hear him come in, it's a small scene but it's the only part of the film that felt like 'ok, these two are a couple'.

I actually want to stick with the BDSM for a moment because I want to get it out there that this film completely fucks over whatever BDSM is really about, the Dominant and the Submissive aren't just titles, they're states of mind, a Submissive is one who is willing (key fucking word there) to give themselves, mind, body and soul, to their Dominant who takes it upon themselves to control every aspect of the Submissive's life without resorting to pain or injury. It's a relationship built on absolute trust, the Submissive trusts the Dominant not to hurt them and the Dominant trusts the Submissive not to allow themselves to get hurt. It's a far more psychological based sexual relationship than the whips and chains seem to suggest, those are primarily for a physical reaction, often the Submissive will deliberately disobey an order as a way to receive punishment by spanking, flogging or whipping, they always WANT to be hurt, they find pleasure is that very unique form of pain. What Christian wants is pure pain, he's not a dominant he's a fucking sadist and there is no fucking trust between him and Ana, he just assumes that she'll follow his every word and she's too naive to see that he's a fucking fanger to her life. Not that that matters, the film itself is too naive to see that Christian is a danger and keeps trying to paint him as this lost and damaged soul, it's just stupid.

I could go on but what's been said about Fifty Shades Of Grey has already been said, the shitty dialogue, this terrible acting, the fucking nothing story, the dull sex and the offensive way it tries to work a BDSM relationship into the mainstream are all points against this pile of hell that have been brought up before and by better people than me. Don't watch this, if you want a good BDSM film watch Secretary, if you want a thoughtful one watch Duke Of Burgundy. Hell if you just want a film that's a little sexy but a little outside the norm, watch Crash by David Cronenberg, THAT is a film that does its best with unique subject matter, more so than this putrid mess.

3/10