Review: Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D is not a film that's gonna be considered high class, it's an over-the-top gore fest filled with enough skin - both on and off bodies - to stand out in terms of nudity and death. But it's a fun fuckin movie, the whole film is just made to entertain and it does that so damn well, to put simply if Jaws was the sophisticated older brother with a rugged nasty edge, Piranha 3D is his ADD inflicted younger sibling lit up by cocaine and booze while bouncing off the walls and furiously masturbating.

That should give you the right image to start this review off.

Storywise the film doesn't have a big plot, it's basically about piranhas eating people alive during spring break, but it does have a decent set-up which was good to see. Set in Lake Victoria, a recent tremor opens up a cave system with the main lake and unleashes a swarm of a vicious and deadly species of piranha thought extinct for 2 Million Years.

Of course this takes place at the same time the Lake is hosting its yearly Spring Break Party, the cops are in full effect to make sure the partying stays safe and the barrage of booze and boobs doesn't get out of hand. As Sheriff Julie Forester and her crew investigate a disappearance and a newly formed cave system out in the lake, her eldest son Jake gets out of babysitting duties to help sleazy pornographer Derrick find the best spots on the lake, accompanied by Kelly Brook (not actually playing herself but it doesn't matter), local girl and Jake's crush Kelly and later his younger siblings who get stranded on an island after trying to go fishing.

With all the pieces set up, the characters stuck in their respective locations and about 1000 tits and dicks ready to party, the piranhas unleash with no fuckin mercy. And good god it's so much fun to watch, I can respect the film for taking actually a good chunk of time to get the characters into these situations and have it make sense, of course Jake would be away from the main carnage cause he's helping Derrick shoot his Wild, Wild Girls video, of course everyone would be on the lake cause they're all about to get fucked up. It's a lot better paced than you would've expected and by the time things get out of control you've been waiting long enough that it kicks so much more ass when it finally goes off the fucking chain.

Characters likewise aren't huge or anything but it's a mix of likeable people and assholes and both getting brutally killed, thankfully everyone seems in on the joke and has a heap of fun with the film. Elisabeth Shue plays Sheriff Julie and manages to keep it straight, she's obviously the law and treats the role as such, taking charge and looking after her town as best she can when the shit hits the fun. Of course she's also a mother and when her kids are in danger she does everything in her power to make sure they are safe, that mix of sheriff and mother are what makes her stay cool headed and in charge throughout, even through the worst of the attack.

Her eldest son Jake (played by Steven R. McQueen, grandson of THE Steve McQueen) was a nice guy, he'd inherited his mother's sensibilities and while he did want to have some more freedom from his young siblings (both actually quite fun characters as far as kids go, the girl Laura especially) he had the smarts and the older sibling sense to look after them. He was sweet enough and his slightly awkward nature around the hotties that surrounded him was endearing but it was his smart attitude and his family first mentality that put him above others.

Everyone else had a smaller role but this was an ensemble piece and they all pulled their weight. Ving Rhames played the Bad-Ass card once again as Deputy Fallon. Jake's crush Kelly was a fun time, showing off her own wild side that took him, and us, by surprise. Jerry O' Connell damn near stole the show as a coked up porn director who was more interested in shooting tits and having fun than anything else. Adam Scott had a surprisingly bad-ass role as the oceanographer Novak who helps Julie with the survivors by riding a jet-ski with a shotgun. Kelly Brook existed for the camera to practically eat her up on screen as she portrayed the Wild, Wild Girl of spring break, mixing an American Style lack of inhibitions with a British Eloquence.

She was fuckin hot is what I'm saying. And very, very naked.

Plus there was some fun cameos from Richard Dreyfuss essentially playing drunken Matt Hooper from Jaws and Christopher Lloyd playing a scientist who examines the piranhas. And some random porn-stars and Eli Roth, all of whom die violently. It's a movie which allows its actors to have fun and that comes across very well on screen.

Director Alexandre Aja, once again delivering a solid and brutal remake, injects this flick with the level of adrenaline and B-Movie lack of care to really make it work. Armed with a Hip-Hop party soundtrack and a hand-held camera Aja dives into this flick knowing exactly what he's doing, he sets up the party with all the nudity and wet-t-shirt contests you can have before really letting loose, it stands to reason that if the movie's having fun then you should be as well.

Once the gore gets started it doesn't let up, this is a gnarly fuckin film and rightly so, this is about people getting eaten alive and it's not pretty, skin gets shredded to the bone, people get devoured into pieces, limbs get torn off, people lose arms and legs and eyes and guts, there's a 3D severed penis at one point in the film, it goes all fuckin out, just when you think you've seen the goriest section of a half eaten body being pulled out of the lake an even more gruesome set-piece happens, sometimes not even from the piranhas, there's a really fuckin brutal moment involving a boat propeller that's gonna be hard to forget anytime soon. What's even more incredible is that while the film has some really fucking ugly (in a good way) practical FX work, it also has quite a lot of CGI but the way the film is shot and presented to us, the CGI almost adds to the shlocky quality of it all. I never saw this in 3D but I can imagine that being one of the main selling points, this utterly ridiculous movie in which an armada of killer fish attack drunken college hotties... IN 3D, it's almost a call-back to the 70s when that sort of marketing plot was all the rage for silly flicks like these.

Even with all the blood and gore flying around I do have to commend Aja on his suspense work, he never forgets that this is a horror film and there's still plenty of tension filled moments to remind you, sometimes you get a piranha POV through the water, very Jaws like but much faster, sometimes just watching and waiting for something to go wrong raises your heart rate - a small moment with a floating stage comes to mind. For near enough the entirety of the third act Jake's boar is slowly sinking and surrounded by piranhas, leaving a surprisingly suspenseful set piece as they try to get off the boat without going in the water.

Piranha 3D is too much fun not to see, if you go in expecting this to be the next Jaws then you're a pretentious ass that needs a good slap. If you go in expecting to have a good fucking time where people get shit-faced, striped and shredded alive then prepare to have a blast. Everyone involved is having fun, breasts cover the screen as much as the blood and body bits and Aja actually manages to keep it all well directed and at times suspenseful enough to remind you this is actually a horror. It's probably best you watch for yourself cause I can only say so much and you really need to

check it out to get the full experience.

8/10