Review: Teeth

Oh boy where to begin with this one. Teeth is, uh, it's about a vagina with teeth. Yeah. It's pretty fucked up concept, original, but fucked up. But somehow they pulled a good movie out, one that takes the toothy vagina storyline and delivers a blood covered but often darkly funny film about the dangers of sex.

And Jagged Vag's.

The plot is the only main weakness, it's not bad but really how much can you say about a Biting Puss. It starts off well, a slow burn as lifelong virgin and Purity Ring spokesperson Dawn O'Keefe meets Tobey at an abstinence speech, struggling with her repressed urges of lust to get into his pants she tries to remain pure but can't deny herself the pleasure of his company. When Tobey gets frustrated with her mixed messages and tries to force himself on her they both make a startling discovery, Dawn has a Snapping Cunt.

Tobey disappears (sans cock) and Dawn tries to make sense about what happened, researching ancient myths she discovers an old legend called 'Vagina Dentata' - Tooth Vagina - and fears she may have it. As Dawn struggles between her naturally pure instincts, her confusion over her sexual future and a horrid family life including a sick mother and a dick-headed stepbrother who has been having not-so-hidden thoughts about Dawn for a long time now, she discovers that not only does she have the power to control her Sharpened Snatch if she approves the sex act but she can also take immediate and painful revenge on those who deserve it.

That's actually a fair bit of the plot, it does lose steam nearing the third act, I kinda wish they upped the ante a little, some more severed penis action if you will, but in terms of an original story and a fuckin brave execution style this is pretty good. You could say this movie fits into a whole lot of themes or genres, it could be about a girl's passage into womanhood and the control of her body, you could say it's a postmodern feminist piece, you could say it's about the dangers of sex, about the dangers of men, it's a rape/revenge movie, it's a 50s style fear piece played out in modern times.

Or you could say it's about a vagina that bites and leave it at that, the theme isn't the most important element but it's worth thinking, particularly since it does involve a very sexualised attitude and... well sex is a pretty big thing (I've been told) so to portray it in this manner does raise some questions.

Acting was alright, Dawn was the best character and played very well but you gotta wonder about the rest of the cast, primarily the men. Aside from Dawn's stepfather nearly every walking body with a Y chromosome was either a rapist in training or a fuckin asshole, I wasn't put off by the movie, I'm not one of those cunts that thinks the world is being brainwashed into thinking all men are rapists and considering the general concept of the movie I can assume it's mostly a joke, besides Dawn needs a reason to chomp off a couple dicks. But there gets a point where you have to wonder if there couldn't have been a few nice guys wondering around. If they weren't trying to get into Dawn's pants by force they were doing it for fun and treating her like an object, fuck even her stepbrother was an utter shit cause he left her mother to die while he fucked his girlfriend in the ass.

Basic point of this movie (beside the teeth) is that men are shit and think with their cocks. Yeah it gets a little over done and I have to think what the movie's trying to tell me but god knows I'm gonna tread lightly.

Alright so let's talk about Dawn and her Fanged Fanny. Played by Jess Weixler, Dawn starts the film as one of those naive, brainwashed and repressed Purity People, you know the ones that say sex is only for marriage and are so repressed that a cold wind up their skirt makes them say five Hail Mary's. Yeah, one of those ones. She's so confused sexually that when she does discover her Pinching Pussy she's no idea what to think about it and is so goddamn scared and confused. Fair play to Weixler, she has to cover a lot of heavy emotions and in some really fucked up places (at one point she has to show utter terror as a man's hand is stuck in her Nibbling Lady Nest) but she pulls them off, you really feel for her sense of fear and confusion over what her body is going through with no-one to turn to, the pain she feels of betrayal and when she does finally gain the ability to control herself you kinda like the Cold Hearted Bitch she becomes, her callous and casual nature after biting off some asshole's junk is quite funny to watch. Jess Weixler is definitely someone I would've thought we'd see more of cause she's really fucking good in this film, both as the naive, innocent and as the sexually charge dispenser of dismembered dicks, however her role isn't all sexual, there's some great scenes Dawn has with her sick mother that really sell home as to who this girl is, she's a good person, she loves and she cares, perhaps to a fault but she's genuinely a nice person and she's been put into this situation that she has to decide is a curse or a gift.

Director Mitchell Lichtenstein (who is a guy, admittedly giving the subject matter I assumed this would have a female director and I'm glad to be proven wrong) manages to sell this really weird concept with a lot of blood and some nice dark humour. For the most part the film actually plays off quite simple, it doesn't overshadow the core of the film with fancy editing tricks or flashy CGI, no this is a film that places most of its confidence on the general idea of the movie. The result is a film that not only allows itself to go to some really fucked up places but never feels like it's exploitative or merely using a sexual premise to draw people in. Even if the premise of a Penis Fly Trap is primarily why I saw this.

What really surprised me was how funny the film could be at times, nothing to make you burst a gut but if black humour is your thing then this has some good moments. Usually around that sudden reaction when a guy realises what the fuck just happened, plus there's some good shock humour when the film decides to show you the gruesome aftermath in all its bloody glory, God was not expecting a lot of what I saw. Funniest part of the film was near the end, I'm not saying anything cause I don't want to spoil it but what you witness happens needs to be seen to be believed. Again the black humour marries well to the general premise of the film, you couldn't really play this sort of thing straight, I mean yeah it's a horror film and it's quite fucking horrific what happens but it's a film about a Toothy Cunt, you either go for the funny route or this doesn't work.

Teeth does have its problems, it loses some steam as it gets to the end and should've gone a little more all out with its concept plus while I didn't mind it too much you do have to wonder why nearly every male in the film was a fuckin shitbird. But despite that the rest of the movie is really quite good, it's an original idea that's executed bravely allowing for the film not to be taken as a joke, Jess Weixler's performance as Dawn is fuckin incredible and worth the price alone for what she does and what she goes through and it's directed with a black heart of humour and severed penis' that is not going to be forgotten any-fuckin-time soon. If you can handle the subject matter and don't mind crossing your legs then definitely check this one out.

7.5/10