Review: Star Wars Episode II - Attack Of The Clones

When I decided to review the Star Wars saga I debated on myself about whether to review them in episode or release order. It didn't really matter since I'd seen them all anyway but it was still something to consider. I decided on Episode order, partly because my OCD would've forced me to do it in this 'correct' order but also because this way I can get the shitty ones out the way first. Looking back on Episode 1 I surprised myself when I partially enjoyed it, yeah it sucks but it's got some really great moments in the ending that make up for a lot. Episode 2 however, there's no such thing and it's here we have the worst entry of the saga.

I'll get it right off the bat, Episode 2 is a film that is half good, there's one half of the film that is interesting, mysterious, sinister and builds up a great story. However there's another half which is tedious, forced, shit, hopelessly worthless and always cutting in when I don't want anything to do with it. You can guess which the second half is.

If there's anything that's worse than a film that gathers no emotion from me, it's a me that shows potential and squanders it. I know that hating the trilogies is nothing new but like I said above Episode 1 wasn't awful so I'm more than willing to give these films a chance but this, this takes that chance and shits itself inside out and dies in that coarse sand that Anakin hates so much.

So let's get this started. Set ten years after the first film, Queen Padme Amidala is now senator of her home planet of Naboo and is facing several assassination attempts. Out of fear and options she takes advice from Senator Palpatine (who, spoiler alert, is the BAD GUY in case you missed that or are retarded) and hires two Jedi guards to protect her, the choice of her protectors are her two old friends Obi-Wan Kenobi, now an older and wiser mentor figure who is still learning as much as his apprentice and Anakin Skywalker, the innocent young boy with a head full of dreams now just an absolute fuckwad and perpetual fuckin child masquerading as an adult.

Anyway Padme survives another assassination attempt and the Jedi Council send Obi-Wan off to the mysterious planet of Kamino in order to follow up on a clue left by the assassin while Anakin - who has made it VERY fuckin clear that he has a hard-on for Padme - is tasked with taking her back to Naboo and looking after her. And it is here my troubles began.

The Obi-Wan side of the story is the best half, it involves a lot of mystery, a lot of back room dealings, double-crossing, lies, deceit. It's a political thriller set in space, and it's actually quite interesting, learning about this upcoming threat and this clone army that may or may not be part of a bigger plan. If the entire movie had just been this plot-line (even involving Anakin and Padme I guess) it would've been a lot better.

But no, this is fuckin Anakin's story and we have to watch him turn to the darkside, fine I can deal with that but don't give me the most half-arsed excuse for a love story since... fuck I can't even make the clichéd Twilight comparison since this is before that hunk of shit. It's not even just th ehorrible acting and the lack of chemistry that ruins these scenes, it's that fuckin ridiculous happy, bright, yay for everything look Lucas gives it all, it looks like shit and the fact that this horrendous lovey crap keeps jumping into the film like the fat retard who lost his candy bar everytime I get invested in Obi-Wan's story just makes me want to press that fast forward button and not stop until Anakin's face isn't the most wooden thing onscreen.

I may have digressed a little there, Anakin's story does get partially better when he returns home and finds his mother dead but by that point I hate the twat and when the two stories come together for a finale battle on Geonosis it's not a saving grace like the three way lightsabre battle in Phantom Menace, here it's just another overblown CGI fest that really doesn't fit in.

Although I will admit to liking the Yoda battle with Dooku, sue me it was fun to watch the old bastard jump around like a chipmunk on speed.

Ok the character's now, I sense a disturbance in the force that will make me spew a lot about Anakin so let's get the good out the way. Ewan McGregor was still good as Obi-Wan, he still has a lot to learn about the force and maybe isn't ready to be a teacher, he lacks the compassion and the ability to balance what to compliment and what to criticize. However when he drops that dead-weight he calls an apprentice he's back in action, being a skilled Jedi soldier and more than capable on his own.

The other Jedi aren't around much to be of any notice but Yoda was fun as always and it's nice to see the normally peaceful master act like a miltant general. And Samuel 'Mushroom Cloud Laying' Jackson gives a remarkably quiet performance as Mace Windu, only getting the nukes ready for the final assault.

On the villains side, well there really wasn't one, these were mostly pawns for Episode 3. Christopher Lee gives gravitas as Count Dooku, a mastermind hiding his true intentions but really needed more screetime to give effect and Jango Fett got about as much screentime as his son did in the original trilogy and was half as interesting.

Natalie Portman give one of her weakest performances as Padme, I will fully admit I like Portman, I think she's a great actress and has shown a lot of promise from Leon all the way to Black Swan but here she's just nothing. Her character may have some development, wanting to be a good senator for her people but complicated by her feelings for Anakin but that's all null and void when I don't believe for a second that she actually feels anything for that spoiled brat.

Although her midriff showing outfit near the end does bump the film up a point in my books.

Well I knew I couldn't dance around the subject for much longer, Hayden Christensen as Anakin is the worst mistake Lucas has made since Jar Jar Binks. The guy is just awful as the character, he's moody, he's pathetic, he's more than a little creepy, he wines and bitches and moans to people who don't listen to him then he whines and bitches and moans about how people don't listen to him, he wants more responsibilty but gives no indication that he deserves any, he's a brat and a twat and fuck him. And that's just how he's written, Christensen's acting leaves about as much impact as wet cardboard, he has one mood 'spoiled' and he can't do anything else, he can't show happiness, he can't show sadness, he can't show intense longing (and when he does he really shouldn't) and he can't for one second make me believe in anything he is saying because he doesn't sound like he's believing it himself.

George Lucas doesn't do himself any favours on the directing front either. Like the last film the pacing is god-awful, it jumps wildly between Obi-Wan's mission and the Anakin/Padme 'romance' (used in the loosest fuckin terms) and never really gives you enough time with either, whenever I get interested in Obi-Wan's story I get yanked right out by 'I hate sand' and then when I just get ot the point of bearing those two idiots I'm back with politics and backstabbing. It's not as terrible as Phantom Menace which rushed through the first half hour before crashing into a brick wall for the next 40 but the constant jumping around didn't help matters.

The action scenes really weren't any better, they lacked originality and tension since we know all these characters will make it, it's a prequel after-all, and besides I didn't care about most of the characters anyway. When Anakin jumps out of his speeder trying to catch the assassin I'm not thinking 'how will he make it?', I'm praying for a hover-bus to splat him like a fuckin bug. As ever it's the Obi-Wan scenes which work best with his rain-soaked fight with Jango and following Space chase being the most exciting segments in the film. The arena battle comes a close second because of the creatures and the hopelessness and Portman's torn outfit but loses points for Anakin opening his mouth.

Attack Of The Clones has some good moments, Obi-Wan's story has mystery, intrigue and tension, however that's only half the film and the other half is boring, tedious trite that get in the way and offers nothing but hatred and misery. So suitably a half-good film gets a half-good score.

5/10