Review: Twilight

I'm not entirely sure how to explain why I watched Twilight, I think the biggest reason was curiosity, I knew it was gonna be god-awful I just didn't know how awful and part of me wanted to know. Well now I do, and I fucking hate myself for that fact.

God there are so many issues with this film I'm not entirely sure where to start. Let's try for the plot because there's really nothing here. Damp Sponge Bella Swan moves from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Butt-Fuck-Nowhere because her mother and her new boyfriend are off on a Fuck Tour Of Europe (or something, I don't know) and she now has to live with her Dad. So she starts a new school, somehow is IMMEDIATELY picked up by the 'Not Cool But Still Very Attractive' group and... does school things, the plot just fuckin rushes through until Bella and Edward finally meet.

Except when they do they don't say anything, Edward acts like he's constantly jizzing in his pants and Bella - who shares about 2 awkward stares and 16 mouth breaths with him - suddenly falls in love with this man who would be classed as a creep by anyone else with brain cells that reach double-digits.

From there it's something that is so remarkably bad in its story-telling that I'm struggling to understand HOW they pulled it off. The film basically has these two fall in love within nanoseconds of looking at each other, but it somehow takes a painfully long time for them to actually go out with each other and even then Edward is a prissy little bitch complaining about how he'll 'Lose Control' and kill Bella because he wants her blood (and worse is that he never fulfils his promise to bleed the cunt dry) while Bella acts like the sullen child who isn't getting what she wants, constantly ignoring Edward's warnings that he's a killer and a blood sucker because she 'understands him' and sees passed his mask and all that other fuck-buckling dialogue that makes up this putrid trash.

Oh and then there's something about evil Vampires, not that it matters, the film spends about as much time on them as Gravity did on Earth, they only come into play to give the third act a little boost and leave a fuckin sequel teaser at the end of the film.

I'm debating whether or not to continue this pilgrimage or give up now and save myself.

It's a story that starts from nothing, ends with nothing and yet you've lost everything, the so-called romance of this film is both rushed to hell and dragged the fuck out and takes up the entirety of the goddamn film so when anything resembling an actual plot kicks in there's literally only 1/4 of the film left to tell it.

Characters were many and boring, Edward's family consisted of a bunch of pale nobodies who had the shared charisma of horse giblets. Bella's friends of Attractive Unpopulars are all a little too weird and peppy to understand why either Bella would hang out with them or vice-versa (although they do include Anna Kendrick who has a nice cleavage shot wearing a prom dress. Yes I can be petty, I'm looking for anything good about this fuckin movie and Anna Kendrick's breasts are all I got) but they pretty much get pushed to the sidelines once Edward starts creeping in on Bella.

If it wasn't bad enough that Bella instantly falls in love with a guy who makes Leatherface look like a writhing ball of sexual energy, every other guy in her life gets ignored because we so obviously need more time for Bella and Edward to spend together. Her dad, the chief of police, gets about 3 awkward scenes before he leaves the film wondering why his daughter can't breathe properly and Taylor 'I'm A Werewold, Shh' Lautner has even less as Bella's childhood friend Jacob, I know that he becomes a bigger part in the sequels but fuck, I couldn't help but feel if they'd written out Edward altogether and instead made the film (and the series) about Bella travelling back to her childhood home, reuniting with old friend Jacob and slowly realising he's a werewolf, might not be any good but at least the relationship would have something resembling a FUCKING BACKBONE.

Ugh, let's just get to the worst cinematic couple since Anakin and Padme. Starting with the supposedly better half of the pairing, Bella, played by Kristen Stewart. I can't speak much for Stewart's personality, because she has none, Bella is just a blank space of a protagonist so that young, dumb-ass girls who think Feminism is the name of a type of body lotion can project them into her life and see themselves. Actually I want to talk more about that, despite the Breast comment above I consider myself a Feminist and one of the things we need more of is a stronger representation of women in Film and Television, not just the archtype of the whore or the virgin but fully-fledged, three-dimensional, flawed and interesting female characters and yet Bella who is about as appealing as a kettle of fish is somehow this insanely popular character and I have to ask 'Why?' She's not likeable, she blows off her friends to spend time with her stalker. Her biggest flaw is that occasionally she's spaz out and blubber whatever words are in her mouth at that moment all at once. Oh but she's so caring and deep and she understands the pain Edward is going through and Fuck Off. Bella doesn't understand diddly shit, and it's crap like that that makes her come across like the creepy one.

I'm fine with flawed characters, I love me a flawed character, I think they're the most interesting and part of me does see a good character but for a different movie, if the movie played out like Edward is SUPPOSE to be creepy and SUPPOSE to come across as this intense weirdo then Bella's undying love for him would be this interesting character flaw where she's fallen for a man that she cannot and should not love and the film would still be horrible but at least it would have a lead character that manages to come off as more than a blow-up doll with half as many facial expressions.

Right now that I've got the Cunt Of Forky Cristo out of the way let's focus on Edward, played by Robert Pattinson who has this look in his eye the entire movie like he's about the fire his agent the moment they say 'cut'. There is one part to Pattinson's character that I somewhat enjoyed and it was his constant way of calling out some of the things Bella said and how fucking stupid they were (example when Edward tells her that he can read the mind of any person in the room except hers, her first reaction is to wonder if there's anything wrong with HER). Other than that Edward's as boring and pathetic as Bella, more-so because he doesn't have the benefit of being a blank waste of space, he's suppose to have some kind of personality but I saw more charisma in the ending to Martyrs than I did between him and Stewart. And yes, I'm gonna sound like a broken record but Edward's a fuckin creep, he stalks Bella, he constantly says that he wants to feel her blood in his throat like her blood is maple syrup and he's a batch of vamperic pancakes, at one point he watches her sleep and she passes it off as cute and endearing, let me tell you, watching someone sleep is only cute and endearing if you've been with someone long enough to know their pissing ritual, not someone you've known for three fucking days.

Again if Edward is suppose to come off as a creep, like maybe the whole film was a subtle parody of the romantic vampire trope, then maybe this would work, as it stands the film actively embraces that trope and watches it sleep.

I'll give this to the direction, film's nice to look at in that drabby, blueish-grey way that depicts Forks as a place with dreams come to die and Vampires come to sunbath. I mean this isn't fuckin Roger Deakins on point but it's decent enough so that when you find your eyes wandering off-centre there's at least an alright backdrop to look at. Passed that the film's a fucking mess, I don't know what the fuck anyone involved was smoking but the disturbing intensity between the characters needed to be toned down, then toned down some more, then beaten with a hammer until it wasn't a part of the film anymore. I mean fuck, this film's idea of sexual tension is to have Edward stare at Bella like she smells of cat vomit and burnt hair and for Bella to - of all fuckin things - sniff her hair like she smells of cat hair and burnt vomit.

The chemistry is non-fuckin-existent, there is an extended sequence in this film where Bella and Edward do nothing but lie in the grass, holding hands and staring at each other with the same animal lust that washes over you when you drop your sandwich on the floor. And everything is so awkward, and it's not just Bella who I think they were trying to make this really awkward teen girl and completely went overboard (there's one scene early on where it looks like she's forgotten how to use a Ketchup bottle which is really odd) but the whole fuckin cast is miserable. The vampires all look like they're shitting themselves whenever they have to act like vampires, any human character passed Bella is either too peppy and upbeat for words or a massive bell-end and the dialogue... Holy Fuck the dialogue of this film is some of the worst I've even heard, and I've seen Batman & Robin. Multiple time. When it's not putrid it's insulting, when it's not insulting it's pathetic and when it's not pathetic it's delivered so stilted and wooden that I can't help but laugh at how horribly they're delivered.

Twilight gets three points and none lower for a few reasons. 1 point is because it's better than Halloween Resurrection, as terrible as this film is I can't give it the same rating as the film that made me look to suicide as 'not a bad idea' and point 2 & 3 are for Anna Kendrick'c cleavage (told you I was petty). The fact of the matter is this, it's a fucking terrible movie and worst is I've heard the sequels are even more so, the story takes a nothing plot and goes nowhere, the characters are background noise to a couple who have the sexual connection of two glasses of tepid water on opposite sides of the room and the direction is awkward, stilted and overly intense for no reason.

I paid the price, don't make the same mistake I did.

3/10