Review: Twilight - New Moon

Ugh.

Where the fuck do I start?

Yes I'm not the target audience for this film. No I don't know why I watched it after despising the first one. Yes I will continue onwards because I will not let this fucking franchise get the best of me. I can take some comfort in knowing that this has to be the lowest point, there is no fucking way that even the Twilight Saga (and that is a loose fuckin use of 'saga', at best it's a DTV miniseries that nobody watched) can be as horrid, as dull, as utterly useless as New Fucking Moon.

Even for a series that has been built towards dragging things to breaking point, this takes the fucking cake, there's is literally nothing worth redeeming about this cockstain. It starts with Bella and her 18th birthday (because it's always the 18th birthday) and the world's dumbest paper-cut, Edward's brother nearly rips Bella's head off, Eddy earns the award for 'Fucking Stupidty' by stopping him from doing so and freaks the hell out, realising that his family will always be a danger to the mouth-breathing cardboard box, Edward fucks off leaving Bella behind.

At this point Bella falls into a depression about losing her first love, as lukewarm and as abusive as it was. But with the help of her loyal friends, her hard-working father, and that cute guy that never puts on his shirt, Bella realises that she's just been a fool this whole time and gets on with her life.

Yeah that's a fucking lie, Bella spends over an hour - over a cunting HOUR - moping her ass off about her boyfriend ditching her. Then for one reason or another she starts hanging out with her friend Jacob and they hit it off, or at least by this movie's standards they do, by comparison to Edward the sexual chemistry between Bella and Jacob felt like I was watching Body Heat. But Bella being the indecisive and totally housetrained little cunt that she is just wants to be with Edward because love and fuck. When - for god knows what reason but I'm too angry and fucked off to ask how - Bella starts seeing visions of Edward whenever she gets scared, she realises the best way to be close to the bloodsucking bastard is to intentionally put herself in harm. Sound like a stable fucking relationship to you.

Fuck me this is stupid. Alright so Bella goes a nuts for adrenaline, Jacob turns out to be a werewolf, Bella still doesn't want him, she jumps off a cliff and nearly drowns, for some reason the power of cognitive visions from the one hot Vampire doesn't see passed werewolves, Edward think Bella's dead, goes to commit vampire suicide because he can't live without her - despite the fact that the entire plot of the fucking movie is because HE FUCKING LEFT HER.

This movie is so stupid and useless and pathetic and stupid and a waste of fucking time. This whole movie is 130 minutes and could've been wrapped in a 20 minute segment in the next movie. What do we learn, Jacob's a werewolf, vampires have royalty who are off their fucking head and Edward wants to marry Bella because she's a fucking nutcase and wants to be a vampire. That's fucking it. All the rest of the crap is extraneous bullcock that by the end of the film could've been solved by a little something called communi-fucking-cation,

If the plot wasn't the biggest waste of fucking time the characters would've taken that trophy. Never mind that anyone not named Edward, Bella or Jacob gets ignored like they're carrying a bag of 'sense and reason' and the film's afraid that they'll ruin the illusion - they something manage to make Anna Kendrick into a selfish bitch just so we can feel bad for Bella even though is just as much of a selfish bitch. The only new characters worth mentioning are the vampire royalty but they get one scene at the end of the film because fucking god knows we need more sequel bait.

If there's one thing to praise about this film it's that Edward's screen-time is greatly reduced, like he's barely in the fucking thing and whenever he is Pattinson just cannot wait to get out of there. He looks so bored and disinterested during the whole thing. Even when he's in hallucination form and telling Bella not to be so fucking stupid he sounds like he's just downed a fifth of vodka and is just waiting for the meds to kick in.

Jacob, oh Jacob what the fuck do we say about you. For a character the film openly admits has no goddamn purpose to the whole thing other than to add in another abusive and controlling ass-hat boyfriend for Bella to get the hots for like a cat in heat, we spend far too much time on you. I'd almost understand if the dog-bastard had a fuckin chance but Bella flat out tells him that she's more into necrophilia than bestiality. The film misses a golden opportunity to have Jacob be Bella's one link to the human world, take away the werewolf thing and Jacob spends the first half of his screen-time as a friendly guy who wants to spend time with a girl he hasn't seen in years and who he has the hots for. By forcing a love triangle that the film itself doesn't even want they just makes Jacob out to be a fucking jerk who's jealous that she chose the pasty white fucker instead of him.

And Bella's a cunt. I can't even bring myself to fucking go into detail anymore, Bella Swan is one of the worst literary characters ever shat into our cultural lexicon and having her played by Kirsten Stewart, a woman so emotionless she makes Death seem like a party jumper, doesn't help. She's selfish but can't think for herself. She's completely devoted to one guy who dumps her but doesn't do a damn thing to change her life. She acts like she's stuck between a guy she wants but can't have and a guy she can have but doesn't want when actually she's just stringing the other guy along and just wants the vampire.

God do you know how sick that makes me, to accuse a woman of stringing a guy along just for her own benefit. There's not even a hint of romantic feeling, like with Edward gone she finds a new guy and falls for him, no Bella actively says that she's only with Jacob because he helps her forget Edward. It's a fucking despicable act and this is out lead character, the one we're suppose to follow and root for. She's nothing but a fucking moron and every time someone threatened to kill her I started wishing they would.

The abomination is brought to us by Chris Weitz who also brought us such horrors as... American Pie? About a Boy? What the fuck is he doing with this dreck, God I knew neither of those movies were classics but they're fucking miles better than this slop. Christ I almost feel sorry that he's been left to handle this mess. It's a fuckin disaster at every corner, the melodrama is pushed the nth degree with Bella being a soppy bitch for 75% of the movie, any excuse for an action scene is shat upon by useless slow-motion and fuckin CGI wolves so fake I almost mistook them for a child's drawing.

Worst of all was the film's incessant need to push a romance down our throats even though the two leads spend a grand total of 15 fucking minutes together on-screen. It's painful how badly they want to remind us that Bella and Edward are a thing even though they're as emotionally charged as a dead fish and as sexually compatible as a box of matches and a bucket of ice-water. It's pathetic and forced and a chore to fuckin sit through, this film is already too long at just over 2 hours but it feels like I'm watching a goddamn real-time video of paint drying. And the worst part of it all is that when it's all over and you realise nothing has changed at all, that literally the whole fucking movie was a gigantic waste of time because Edward was a selfish fuck and Bella was retarded enough to listen to his every fucking word.

Well let's just say I was rightfully fucked off.

New Moon was a pain to sit through. It's one of the most useless and utterly fuckin pointless pieces of shit I've ever suffered through, this easily earns a place as one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's story is pointless to the degree that it actively renders itself a waste of time and effort. It's characters are dull, selfish, controlling, horrid, cunty and/or wishing they were somewhere else for the entirety of the film and it's direction is non-existent, the whole fucking film drags on and on waiting for someone to yell cut so it can put a rope around its neck and fuck the pain away.

Or maybe that's just me.

1/10 because the damn scoring system won't let me go any lower