Review: Twilight - Eclipse

As I continued my journey through this wretched hive of scum and sparkles I did feel a slight sense of relief, I knew that having made it through New Moon - which currently stands at the No.2 spot on my list of 'Worst Films Ever' - that as bad as Eclipse was going to be I had put the worst behind me. But sadly while that was true this cut it really fuckin close, if not for the final 20 minutes this film would be just as useless and contrived as its predecessor. I'm still struggling to understand why this franchise got so fucking popular, it's written with a pace that makes icebergs look super-sonic.

So it's been a few months since that awful mess where Edward lied to Bella's face and she just lay back and accepted it and now they're talking about marriage - keep in mind that these two haven't even known each other for a full year yet - Bella just wants to get it over and done with so she can be a vampire whilst Edward basically says 'Cool your jets bitch, try being human for once in your fucking life'.

Meanwhile Victoria - who was the evil vampire in the first movie, had one scene in the second and attempts to be the villain here and fails miserably - is putting together an army of newborn vampires, since for plot convenience vampires are strongest when they first turn, doesn't make any fucking sense but let's roll with it, to kill Bella because she's the love of Edward's life and Edward killed the love of her life in the first film, little overkill but for god sake we need some form of fucking conflict in this film outside of two lunkheads fighting over a girl with the personality of a stroppy teenager and the emotional range of a kettle.

Victoria starts fucking around and with Bella apparently being the fucking messiah Edward and his family of pale-ass motherfuckers turn to their arch-enemies, the werewolves, for help in protecting her. Which really pisses off Eddy because Jacob has made it clear he wants to use Bella like a dog uses a stuffed bear even though Bella has repeatedly told him to go fuck himself although she does occasionally have a moment where she screams out 'Take me you shirtless fool' even though she remains with Edward and nothing fucking comes out of it other than to continually force a shitty love triangle that the film itself still does not want to include.

Ugh this fucking sounds like a mess but it's simplified beyond believe, the whole thing with Victoria takes up about 15 minutes and only serves to give the film a fuckin last act that actually feels like they've accomplished something rather than ending up right back where they started. The entire rest of it's two hour run-time is spent going over shit we've already gone over, Jacob wants to fuck Bella, Edwards wants to fuck Bella but in a dignified way, Bella doesn't know what she wants and fucks over both of them because she's a cunt.

It's almost biblical how they are able to stretch that one plot line for as long as they do, it's bad writing on a scale which I would never have believed had I not witnessed it myself. Forget about arcs and revelations, just recycle the same shit for four hours and your dumbass audience will eat it up. At least at the end of this film Jacob puts his tail between his legs and says he'll stop trying to force Bella to love him. Which he actually fuckin does, Christ this film is not healthy.

Acting still sucked the fat one, Edward's family did get a couple of flashbacks to expand their backstory but since not one of them fucking matters it's all for naught and ends up as useless padding filled with Texas rangers and gang-rape. Fucking seriously, one of Edward's sisters says she was straight up gang-raped in the 30s and that's why she's a vampire, it's not like she could've had anything else done to her, she's a woman and a woman's role is to get fucked whether she likes it or not.

I hate this fucking franchise for its misogyny, the fact that both the books and the films are written by women makes me even more sick to think that this is a cultural phenomenon.

Victoria tries to be a villain but like I said she has enough screen-time to maybe frighten a stick of corn, I've not idea what her whole thing with the newborns was or why she was going about killing Bella in perhaps the most convoluted way possible. No matter she ends up dead so three fucking movies of build-up gets done and dusted in the space of 5 minutes.

Jacob is wasted, actually is there a better word for that, wasted sounds like I actually wanted him to be part of this story. More than anything else in this fucking series, more than asking why Bella and Edward try so hard to convince us they have chemistry or why it sets back women's right to the 1920s is asking what purpose Jacob has for the story. All he does is take his shirt off, piss off Edward and be a thorn in the side of everyone because he can't keep his dick in his pants. He's a loud, angry fuck and his claims of love for Bella come off on the side of 'rapey'. The fact that Bella attempts to fight him off at one point is almost a fuckin miracle but she drops the ball on that when she later tells him to kiss her for no apparent reason.

Edward's as bland as ever but I still put that down to Pattinson's utter contempt for his own franchise and his attempt to emotionally distance himself from it. I do have to admit though, as awful as he is, this film does have Pattinson's best work as Edward, he's still a lying, manipulative scumbag but the film does have its moments with him. Firstly they address why he's so adamant that he and Bella be married before they do the Bloodied Nasty and it's to do with his age, since he comes from a more traditional time he's never really let go of those ideals, it's a little touch but it's as much characterisation as this fuckin series gets. Secondly is when he puts himself at risk to fight Victoria because she's a threat to Bella, it's the first time in the series that I could almost believe he cared for her.

Not really of course, he still has the same feelings towards her as a normal person has for a sandwich. In the grand scheme of thing he basically upgraded her from cold ham to grilled cheese.

And then there's Bella. Oh Bella, you... fucking whore. I cannot stress through all these reviews how much I despise the character of Bella. She is every worst quality of a person, brought to life and then we're told she's the heroine of the story and we're to sympathise with her dumb ass. It's not just the fact that she's basically in an emotionally abusive relationship and treats it like the best thing to ever happen to her or her fucking insistence of breathing like a bear with asthma. It's that the film treats like the most important bitch in the world but gives no reason why she's so important, it's that she is the most inconsistent bitch in the world, being completely positive to the point of dangerous obsession that she wants to be with Edward and become a vampire - the reasons why escape me and at this point I don't care - only to turn around and drop her panties at the sight of Jacob's rippling wolf-abs. Most of all though, it's that she is a selfish cunt that needs a good slap to the face rather than getting involved in some vampire civil war that may or may not have anything to do with her, I still don't know what the fucking endgame is and I can't find the energy to give a flying fuck.

Director this time around is David Slade, a man who made me cross my legs in fear with Hard Candy then put me off my dinner by being one of the powers behind Hannibal. Basically the guy has talent and he's utterly wasted here (this time I actually mean wasted) because he's forced to spend 80% of his time with dumb-ass teenagers going back and forth over who fancies who and all that bollocks. When he can Slade does inject some talent into the film, as pointless as the flashbacks to Edward's family are they do look impressive, catching their individual time periods as best as you can expect and there are moments of the film which are impressive in one way or another, for better or worse the scene in the tent where Edward and Jacob discuss their shared love for Bella is about as good as the series is ever gonna get.

Thankfully Slade saves his career with the battle finale between Victoria's army and Bella's friends. It's not all that great but it's an action sequence and it features some heavy violence for a PG-13 including hands being bitten off and heads literally ripped from the neck, plus they get around the lack of blood by having the vampire's naturally cold bodies just be filled with ice, or something like that. Again doesn't make sense but just go with it. It's an alright touch and at least it actually feels like something's been accomplished by the end rather than New Moon's way of just keeping the status quo in check after everything's said and done. Call it a cheap gem amongst the shite.

Eclipse tries to get by with it's semi-decent battle scene but that's not enough to save the rest of this drawn-out pile of fuck. The story is still not enough to carry the whole film let alone an entire franchise but by god they're still trying, the characters still as bland and pathetic although Pattinson is slightly better than normal, not by a lot but enough to make a difference against his cunt girlfriend and Slade's direction does the best he can with the cards he's been dealt. I'm tempted to call this the best Twilight to date but to be honest being the best entry in the worst franchise isn't really something worth celebrating.

3/10