Review: Twilight - Breaking Dawn Part 1

Ugh. I can't believe I've made it through four of these fucking movies. Still, one more to go and I can put it behind me. I kinda hope the last one has some actual story because as far as I can tell they held off on anything resembling a plot for this movie for the second half because there's nothing here to even come close to a completed film.

So what's the story, well basically Edward and Bella decide to live their bland lives together and get married, never mind that they're combined time spent together is equal to about a year - if that - but I digress. They get married and go on their honeymoon where Bella decides she wants to do the Horizontal Blood Dance and gets fucked. Literally.

A couple weeks of vampire loving goes by when suddenly - and predictably - Bella gets knocked up, which for some reason is impossible but happened pretty easily if you ask me. Anyway Edward flips his fucking mind and rushes Bella back home to his father so they can abort the creature that is his child, after a horrendously awful discussion about abortion Bella keeps the damn thing at the expense of her own life, all the while The Cullens and the werewolf tribes get into a debate about the future of the child, since the baby is apparently a threat that will break their peace treaty and they have to kill it.

Or something, I don't know the film didn't explain that very well and I didn't pay attention.

The biggest problem I have with these movies is that they stretch the most basic of plotlines into full-length movies for no reason and this is the worst it's been since New Moon, the whole film is literally one big long pregnancy crap all leading to Bella biting it and becoming a Vampire, just like she always wanted.

Remember girls, if you want to keep your man then give up your whole identity so you can be just like him.

Predictably the acting is still awful and with no story there's not really much room for characters to do anything. The Cullens are still a bunch of background noise that the film continually tries to convince us are important and Jacob's wolf-pack get one hilariously awful scene of CGI wolves talking telepathically about killing a baby.

Jacob himself really has nothing to do, now that they're completely done with the pathetic and stupid love triangle the question as to why he's still around remains unanswered, all he seems to do is cock-block Edward, then when that doesn't work he goes in a huff until he eventually falls in love with a CGI baby.

No seriously, one of the things in Twilight lore is that werewolves 'imprint', basically translating to love at first sight with certain people, the specifics about it escape me. And as luck would have it, Jacob imprints onto Edward and Bella's minutes old baby daughter (or rather her horribly CGI'd double). It's a plot point that it's weird and disgusting at best ad makes you wonder what the hell they were thinking about, and how awkward it's gonna be when Edward and Bella know Jacob is looking at their infant daughter, knowing he's gonna fuck her one day.

Edward turns from stalking asshole into just plain asshole this time, at first the film tries to pull a fast one on us by showing him and Bella be all cute and cuddly as they finally have sex - I hate this relationship but surely vampires get blue balls too - but as soon Bella's up the duff he turns into an angry jerk, just wanting to kill his own unborn child because it's a threat to Bella's life. Now in any other film that would be a good cause, he's worried about Bella's safety but this film completely misses the point and instead of being worried Edward is an absolute bastard, he doesn't even sit down to talk to Bella about the baby, he just straight up wants it dead. Sure he eventually comes around to the little bastard but even then his change of heart is so sudden that it'll fly right over your heads until you realise things have changed.

And Bella a stupid bitch. As stupid as Edward is for just wanting to kill the baby Bella is just as stupid for wanting to keep it despite the very strong possibility that it will kill her. I couldn't even understand what her thought process was, just because it's her baby she wants to keep it, regardless of whether or not she might die before it's even born. What kind go stupid, fucked up, martyr shit is that? Fucking hell I don't get this, unless of course it was all a ruse for Bella to force Edward into making her a vampire because once upon a time she wanted that like fuck, whether she still does or not I don't know but whoopy fucking doo she got it.

This whole abortion thing is worth bringing up because while I can respect a film for bring the topic into conversation Twilight is not smart enough to bring abortion into the fucking conversation and that's horribly obvious by how it handles the whole thing, Edward wants it dead, Bella wants herself dead, the werewolves want it dead even though they're say in the matter amounts to diddly fuck. It's a sensitive issue that this fucking series boils to down to three sentences.

"The baby will kill you."

"I don't care."

"Well... alright then."

I'd almost be insulted by this preschool level of thinking but the film honestly things it's doing a good job and you can either by really offended by it's stupidity or laugh it off as a dumb, childish movie trying to play grownups.

What else can I say... well nothing actually because there's nothing fucking happening in this movie. It's a fucking waste of time, the wedding is slow and awkward, the honeymoon has as much PG-13 sex as you can handle - including a weirdly intense moment where Edward breaks the bed and then boom pregnant. And that's half the fucking movie, it moves at a snail's pace and expects that to engage anyone, and the second half of the movie isn't much better once everything starts being about the baby and I'm not sure which is worse, sure stuff happens in the second half but it's a hell of a lot stupider as well.

Fuck me I can't even remember anything worth talking about with this stupid fucking film, it's not even memorably bad, it's just left this impression of an awful movie in my brain and I don't know why I just know I hate it. The best thing this movie does is kill off Bella with an birthing scene that is a lot bloodier than I was expecting but at the same time is so awkwardly overdramatic that the blood just feels like they chucked it in there to give the scene more life, ironically the whole thing feels dead in the water. Plus they don't keep Bella dead meaning we have one more film of her being a vampire, I'm not sure what story there is left to tell but fuck it they managed four movie with no story what's one more to suffer through.

Breaking Dawn's unnecessary Part 1 is one of the worst entries into a franchise with the worst entries, only New Moon manages to beat it out for being an absolute waste of time, if not for the baby this would've been just as bad, as it stands it's just almost as. The story is nothing, the characters as dumb and bland as ever and nothing fuckin happens passed some terrible abortion talk and a werewolf falling in love with a goddamn baby.

2/10, fuck this series I want to get it done with so I can get back to shit I can actually stand.